A Consciousness Clearing Session on the Eve of the Wedding

A Consciousness Clearing Session on the Eve of the Wedding

When Suna picked up the phone, she said, " Selma is calling, I hope everything is fine at this hour''.  Selma's voice was very anxious, she sounded like she was going to cry. "Are you available? I need to talk to you," she said. It was late, but "I can't leave her like this," said Suna to her self, "I'll be there in half an hour." In fact, Suna guessed more or less what might have happened. Selma was on the eve of marriage and had problems with her fiancé. They had been arguing a lot lately.

It was not a good sign that there was so much unpleasantness even before the marriage. Once she said "Do you tnink you should delay the wedding a little?", and if their friendship did not break down with the answer she received, it was because Suna was understanding.

What was she going to say now; "He is upsetting you a lot, this man will cause more problems in the future. You don't have to get married, If it doesn't work, don't force it"? Or, "Don't worry! Everything will be fine, it's just wedding stress. You can manage for now. Everything will get better in time"?

Selma and Suna had been friends since teacher's school. It had been 15 years since they graduated. Selma had got married for the first time as soon as she graduated from university. There were many people who wanted to marry her at school. She was so smiling and cheerful that it was natural to want to be happy with her for a lifetime.

Selma's first marriage had been short-lived and had hurt her a lot. Now this man made her think of marriage for the second time.

Suna thought, "This girl actually went through the same thing in her first marriage. Maybe if I remind her of what she went through, it will help her to see the truth." When she saw Selma, Suna realised what a right decision she had made by not leaving her alone now.

Experiential Design Teaching says: Man's emotions are in the moment. Taking it to the future or the past opens one's consciousness. Asking questions is a good method for this.

"How was school today? Did the children tire you out?"

"No, they didn't tire me out," Selma was crying.

"Yesterday you were going to get the car repaired, did you manage to do it?"

"Yes."

"When are you going to change this car? It's old, it's giving you trouble." Selma nodded her head.

"You made this car the wedding car in your first marriage, right? Let's decorate it with balloons instead of flowers this time," they laughed.

"You took care of your first husband, you took the responsibilities, will you do the same for the second one?"

"Yes, you are right! They were four brothers and sisters and only he used to take care  of his mother."

"What a woman her mum was!"

Selma opened up a little, at least she wasn't crying.

Her first husband was apparently a good man, well-established, well-educated, knew what he wanted. But he couldn't find the balance, he couldn't prioritise his family. The world was one thing and his mother was another. "My mother is lonely, my mother is sick, my mother wants to travel, my mother is sad, my mother is waiting for us..." After work, he always visited his mother before coming home. He paid for his mother's expenses, not his own. The first year they got married, they even went on their honeymoon together. Then his mother asked for the jewellery from the wedding gift. "No way!" said Selma, "They were given to me." 

"'She had the strangest requests,' said Selma. "Once, she wanted to take back the necklace she gave me at the wedding. From that point on, everything broke for me. She was jealous of me, how shameful it was."

The arguments gradually escalated to fights and finally to violence. Even though the marriage was short-lived, it was very destructive.

"You were so secretive. I was shocked one day when you said 'I'm getting divorced'. Honestly, why didn't you say anything to anyone? Your mum always listens to you, why didn't you tell her anything?"

"I don't know... You know my mum is a very strong woman. She was very angry with me afterwards, 'You went through so much trouble, why didn't you tell me'."

"Then why didn't you ask for help?"

"I don't know... Maybe I didn't want to disappoint the people around me."

"We never talked about it all these years, but didn't he give any signal before you got married?"

"I don't know! I never thought about it."

 

How little we analyse our lives! What we do and why we did this,  what we experience, the reactions we give, the real intentions and wishes of those around us...

Experiential Design Teaching says: Every event gives its sign before it happens.

 

Selma continued with tears in her eyes, "Actually he gave the signals! When we were engaged, I got sick and my parents were out of town. When I called him to take me to the doctor, he said, 'I can't come, I'm taking my mom to my uncles house'. Once, he bought me a gift and his mom liked it so much that he bought her the same one."

On the one hand, Suna regretted asking that much questions  and on the other hand, she was glad that she realized this.

"Okay, there are no more tears in your eyes anymore. I remember that times, you were very nervous before the wedding."

"Yes, because he had insisted that his mother to live with us. Her mother was not too old to take care of herself. She was even very vigorous. I think what we went through when we were engaged was a preview of what we'll go through when we get married.

Suna said, "Now you are tense, sad, I can see that you are not comfortable at all inside. There is no joy in you that you are getting married. What are your experiences telling you this time?"

"I don't know... He hasn't answered his phone since yesterday, he just disappeared."

"What would you say if you knew? Would things be better or worse if you got married?"

"All the wedding preparations are done, I'm thirty-five, I might not get married again, I might not have children, I'll die alone..."

"But, uh... You know, my fathers are five brothers. My grandfather was alive however no body was there when my grandmother died. Get over it. And don't talk about children, wasn't it you who said people should not marry for children?"

"Yes."

"Let's say you got married, had a child, and this man left again like that, without saying anything to you"

"I don't want to think about it."

"Think! There is no job either. Again your house, again your car... What did he put into this marriage, how old is he, he has not had any savings until this age.

"No there is not! Even If he does, I don't know about it. He's already dreaming of retirement!"

"Does he dream of retirement before he even start working?

 Suna realized she was getting angry for a moment. She took a glass of water from the kitchen for herself and Selma.

"Darling, I understand you; your wishes, your dreams. Life actually speaks to us. Most of the time we don't want to hear it. So many things are shoved in our face, but wanting something so much makes us blind to it. We don't see the signs, we feel powerless. However, we are all much stronger than we think."

 

Experiential Teaching says: If you rely on life for your strength it is bad, if you rely on your self it is better.

 

Man can only control his own actions. The power within man is far beyond his own imagination. How do we know this? Of course, from the high performance he shows when he is in the most trouble... There is enough power in man to move mountains even. As long as he trusts himself. Then he can be more courageous in reading the signs that life shows him. He can say, "I can do without a spouse, I can do without children, I can do without a house, I am self-sufficient!"

 Experiential Design Teaching is a knowledge community that produces strategies for designing our future based on past experiences.

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"There is only one thing in life that never can be discovered; The better one..."

Yahya Hamurcu