Miss Turkey

 

All the channels were showing news about the new Miss Turkey. Tuğçe took advantage of her mother being busy and turned up the volume on the TV. She was just nine years old, a sweet little girl. Like most girls her age, she loved dressing up and wearing her mother's high heels. That’s why anything related to fashion and beauty caught her attention. The girls who won the contest were wearing crowns.

 

“They’re so beautiful, they look like princesses. I wonder if one day I could wear a crown like that,” she thought.

 

A few weeks went by. The TV was on again, and another news segment about Miss Turkey came on. People didn’t seem to like her. One person said, “Even I’m prettier than her—how is she Miss Turkey?” while another mentioned how ridiculous her win was.

 

Tuğçe had thought that everyone would admire someone who wore a crown. She couldn’t understand why people were talking about how ugly she was. She asked her mother, “Mom, do you think Miss Turkey is a beautiful girl?”

 

When the TV was turned off, Tuğçe went back to playing her usual game. She opened her wardrobe—she had two dresses. One was a birthday gift from her mother, and the other was passed down from her sister. She also took her mother’s high heels and makeup and quietly brought them to her room.

 

First, she put on the puff-sleeved dress. Pretending she was on a runway, she walked like a model. Then she put on her mother’s lipstick, but it got smeared all over her cheeks. She wore her mother’s favorite high heels. She thought she looked stunning.

 

She changed outfits again, trying on every accessory she could find. Each time made her feel happier. When her friends came over, they would take everything out of the wardrobe, try on all the clothes, and walk down the hallway like it was a runway. The only difference this time was that Tuğçe had turned it into a beauty contest in her imagination.

 

Even when playing with her friends, she believed she was prettier than them. Somehow, she had convinced herself that being a beauty queen was the most important thing. She tried a different hairstyle every day to be the prettiest, most unique girl in her class. She asked her mother to buy her new accessories each week. She really was a beautiful girl, but at that age, all children were beautiful.

 

Everyone around her constantly praised her—her grandmother, aunt, her mother’s friends, the neighbors, her teachers… They all loved Tuğçe’s fancy outfits. Over time, Tuğçe began to make this her identity. In situations where she wasn’t praised, she would feel uncomfortable. If someone else was complimented, she’d become upset. Her mother didn’t know what to do to make her daughter happy. Most of the time, she would just take her shopping to cheer her up.

 

While trying on clothes that day, Tuğçe remembered the news she had just seen. “What if they don’t like me either?” she thought. A wave of fear came over her, and she ran to her bed and hid under the blamkets. She started to cry. Her mother, hearing her from the other room, came in worried. She hugged her daughter, trying to understand what was going on, though her mind was still on the work she’d left on the computer. Just then, the doorbell rang—her husband had come home. She felt lucky with the timing. She always panicked when handling such things alone.

 

They managed to get Tuğçe to the bathroom and wash her face and hands. She kept repeating the same thing: “Am I ugly, Mom? What if they don’t like me?”

 

“Who wouldn’t like you, sweetheart? Why would you be ugly? You’re very beautiful,” her mother said. She didn’t understand why Tuğçe was so upset about this.

 

But Tuğçe wasn’t calming down. She didn’t even seem to hear her mother. For   her, the meaning of life was to be beautiful and admired. But what if she wasn’t admired? Her behavior and tears might seem like a childish tantrum now, but they could be the early winds of a future storm. Because today is a sign of tomorrow. Tuğçe was just a child now but soon enough she will grow up.

 

The Experiential Design Teaching says: “Praise and criticism shouldbe directed at behaviors, not personalities.”

 

In other words, instead of saying, “You’re a smart child,” one can say “That was a smart thing to do.” Or instead of saying “You’re very talented,” one can say “You used the colors really well in this painting.” This way, the person you’re complimenting knows what they did right and can repeat it. They don’t think they’re already amazing just as they are.

 

When giving negative feedback, instead of saying, “You’re clumsy,” one can say “The glass fell because you didn’t carry it carefully.” This helps the person recognize both their strengths and weaknesses and work to improve. When praise or criticism is generalized, people perceive it as directed at their entire identity. When someone hears “You’re very beautiful,” they may believe they are entirely beautiful. Thinking, “I’m already beautiful,” they may not feel the need to do anything else to be beautiful. But a person is the sum of their behaviors. People like or dislike us based on our actions and how we make them feel. So, if we want to support someone in doing better, we should highlight their actions. That way, if someone truly earns a “crown” through their right behavior they can be sure no one will ever be able to take it from them.

 Experiential Design Teaching is a knowledge community that produces strategies for designing our future based on past experiences.

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"There is only one thing in life that never can be discovered; The better one..."

Yahya Hamurcu