Veil of Anger

Anger Clouds One’s Judgement

She grabbed her suitcase in a hurry and started stuffing whatever she could find into it. The day had started out as a beautiful Sunday morning, with fresh, clean air. She had gone for her morning walk. When she came back she set the breakfast table. They were going to have a nice breakfast with her husband. And they did... Well, that’s how it began anyway. But by the end of breakfast, they were arguing.

Perihan had been married for two years. After a very short time after she met him she made her decision. Naturally, it took some time for them to get to know each other. The first few months of marriage were all about adjusting, so arguments were inevitable. At least, that’s what Perihan told herself to feel better in the beginning. She thought the constant arguments and trying to explain herself—saying “I’m this way” or “I’m not like that”—were just part of the process.

They were always fighting, but this morning was different. Since they had gotten married, the rent had been a burden on her husband. The landlord had told them to evict the house so that his newlywed son could move in. So buying a house became a must. Perihan had always wanted to live in her own house. She had been secretly saving for two years, and when she added the jewelry from their wedding, she thought, "Why not buy our own house?". So she had started looking at house listings.

The argument started when they began talking about buying a house. Things escalated quickly, and suddenly Perihan’s husband said something that really upset her.

All the ongoing disagreements were wearing Perihan down. And when he said, "If you're not going to listen to me, there's no point in staying together. You can go back to your father's house where you can be a little princess…" it really stung. She got up and started packing her things. He regretted what he had said, but what's done was done.

"I didn’t mean it, I swear. I’m sorry, Perihan. I’m tired too. It’s hard to constantly be compared to your father. Let’s just talk, let’s listen to each other and try to understand," he said. But Perihan felt like it was too late. "I’m leaving anyway. It doesn’t matter what stays behind," she thought. She was going to burn the bridges. She was going to throw everything she had bottled up inside for two years out there and leave like that. She packed her suitcase and walked out. Her husband ran after her, but it was no use—stopping Perihan wasn’t going to be easy.

She jumped in her car and went straight to her dad’s house. The place they call "family home" is where you go when you need comfort, where you’re always understood and loved, no matter what you do. She would take refuge there and never leave again.

Her parents weren’t expecting her to show up on a Sunday morning with a suitcase, of course. They were trying to understand what had happened when they saw Perihan, her face red and hair messy.

-"I just can’t do it anymore. I fought so hard, but it didn’t work. I’m so unhappy, and I want a divorce."

As she spoke, tears rolled down her cheeks. She hadn’t stopped talking since she came. She told them everything... When she felt like she had said enough, she noticed her dad had handed her a glass of water. Realizing her throat was dry, she took a few sips. As she calmed down, her dad asked:

-"What happened, Perihan?"

She had said so much, but still, he asked what had happened.

Should she start from the very beginning?

-"We just don’t get along..."

-"Why not?"

-"We are so different."

-"Your mom and I... we too are different."

She hadn’t expected that. She stopped. It was true. Their difference was obvious even from the first glance.

-"Every word I say, every action I take, is wrong... We see things so differently."

-"Doesn't your husband have any point at all?"

-"He does, I guess." Was she just saying this, or did she really think so?

In the beginning of their marriage, as they got to know each other, she had thought her husband was stingy, but she later realized he was just careful with money. She also noticed that he wasn’t nostalgic, but he was a man who valued tradition. Her dad, seeing she was lost in thought, asked:

-"What else has he done?"

-"He got married late, and adjusting to living together has been hard for him too. His expenses went up, he did not want to share his savings. If I hadn’t insisted on having our own place, maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so tense."

With every answer, it felt like she was realizing more and more that maybe her husband had valid points too. She hadn’t really understood him or tried to help him.

Yes, her husband had his flaws, but she wasn’t perfect either. As she began to see that maybe she wasn’t entirely right, her anger started to cool down.

After there was nothing left to talk, she got up, washed her face, and fixed her hair. “I’m going for a walk. Fresh air will help,” she said.

She walked, grumbling to herself. "I can’t believe I told my dad everything... I laid it all out. What a disgrace." Her aunt had always said, "What happens between husband and wife should stay between them." How was she going to face her dad now? She was already thinking, "I’m leaving my husband, but is this really the right decision?"

Her dad had once told her, "Be patient, sweetie. In the beginning, it’s always hard. Marriage is like a train that finds its tracks over time." It had been like that, too—at first, they argued about things like cleaning, shopping, and hosting guests, but eventually, they reached an understanding. Maybe she should’ve shown more patience and tried to fix things, but it felt like it was too late for that now. She had already told her parents everything. The urge to prove she was right had made her forget to think about the future.

As she returned home, she saw her husband standing by the door waiting for her. "Perihan, please come home, let’s talk." She wanted to go to him, but all she could say was, "What are we going to talk about, Murat? You told me to go to my dad’s house."

"You were too hard on me. I said that in a moment of anger. It’s hard for me to constantly be compared to your father. Please, accept me for who I am, and let’s continue our marriage. When you agreed to marry  me, you also accepted a life with me."

By then, the veil of anger in Perihan’s eyes had long disappeared.

"How will I explain this to my family?" she started thinking. They went back home together. Perihan was still hurt, but she was thinking about giving it another try. She had calmed down and started to see things differently. After all, building a home isn’t easy, and tearing it down shouldn’t be either.

But what about her family? "Anger comes, eyes darken; anger fades, face darkens," she remembered an old saying. When she returned to get her things, her mom was upset. Perihan felt embarrassed and lowered her head. She asked her husband for permission, and then she and her mom went to another room. After a while, Perihan left with her suitcase. She apologized to her dad and went back home with her husband.

As she left, her dad said, "Don’t wear each other out like this. You shouldn’t have reached this point in just two years. Your mother and I never said half of what you two have said to each other."

After that day, her mother kept her distance from her husband. Perihan was aware of the mistake she had made, but she didn’t know how to fix it. In a moment of anger, she had acted impulsively, completely giving in to her emotions without thinking. She was now feeling the pain of saying everything that came to her mind without considering the consequences. She had forgiven her husband more easily, thinking that’s just how things go between spouses. But she was her mother's only daughter, and it was natural for her to take sides.

How would Perihan repair the relationship between her family and her husband?

The Experiential Teaching says: “When a person makes a decision in the heat of the moment, they act based on their emotions. At that moment, they cannot think of the consequences, whether positive or negative.”

Perihan had only tried to relieve herself in that moment, pouring out her emotions and wanting to prove she was right. She hadn’t given herself a chance to think about what might come next. Now, she regretted it and was wondering what to do.

If only she had realized the potential consequences before burning everything down, she wouldn’t be sitting here now thinking, "What should I do?" They say time is the cure for everything… Over time, she would need to see that her relationship with her mother would improve. For that to happen, they would have to put in the effort to work on their relationship and try to understand each other. It was clear that Perihan got upset easily, but once a person knows their weak spot, it becomes easier to deal with.

Isn’t that the point? As time goes on, we should always try to do better, strengthen our weaknesses, and improve ourselves…

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