As Long as our children are happy

As long as...

We parents want the best for our children. This is also very normal. Because we all have the idea that if they are good, we will be too. “Wow, look at Mr Ahmet, what a wedding he organised for his son!  Did you see Mrs Ayten's bride?  How beautiful she was... Her jewellery and wedding dress were magnificent. Her trousseau, hair and make-up were all beautiful...  Mr Ahmet bought a piece of furniture, the most expensive one; he bought a car for his son, the newest model. Her dowry, her wedding, her aunt, her honeymoon...”

Those who watched from the outside could not finish counting.  After all, the happiness of their children was very important. Mr Ahmet had enrolled his son in the best schools. Mrs Ayten took care of him.  Selim became the pasha of the house and continued to be a pasha outside the city at the university. He did not come home in the summers with the excuse of education.  Anyway, his parents did not know about the university process. Selim hung out with his friends in the summers and spent his time being mischievous. Even though Mrs Ayten called and invited him home, Selim's social life prevented him to think about his family.  After a long time, university was over. Selim had finally entered the business life.

His father said, “Our son has completed his education, shouldn't we buy a car for him now? “

Mrs Ayten said, “You are right. He also has a girlfriend, shouldn't we build a home for her? We shall have fulfilled our duty as his parents.”

The year Selim started working, his father bought a car. He went to ask for his girlfriend from her family. Mr Ahmet said, “Sir, by Allah's command and the prophet's word, we want your daughter Zeynep for our son Selim.  The young people loved each other, they agreed with each other, and it is our duty to build their home.” Their part was to do whatever their children requested wasn't it? Could an engagement and then house preparations end with only white goods, curtains and carpets?

The two families did not limit their efforts in service to their children. It was as if parents were getting married. “Let everything be perfect.  We have had to suffer and they should not.” they thought. If they would not suffer these troubles for their own children, for whom would they suffer? It was about their lives too, wasn't it? However...

The Experiential Design Teaching says, “Man designs his life with his owneffort.”

One cannot gain satisfaction from any process that one does not put effort into.

Selim and Zeynep had studied. “What do they know about organising a house and buying a trousseau,” their parents said. Then the wedding time arrived.  Although Selim and Zeynep said, “We don't want to have a wedding, we want to go on a world tour with that money,” the desire of their families was more dominant. The most expensive wedding hall was hired, the most beautiful wedding dress and jewellery, a huge wedding was held with a variety of dishes. It was a legendary wedding with its party, jewellery and dinner. Parents had completed their duties to their families.

Now it was Selim and Zeynep's turn... How were they going to live this life?

No one knew the truth of the matter. But things were getting worse day by day.  As soon as there was an issue, it was obvious that Selim was not capable of doing anything.  Zeynep was getting more bored and did not understand what was happening.  This time she thought that family elders were the problem.  Zeynep was trying to find a solution. “If we move away from here, it would be better for Selim and our marriage.” she said.  She asked for a transfer without consulting anyone. As soon as it came out, they have moved.  Although Mr Ahmet and Mrs Ayten objected to this situation, it was useless.   Finally, they moved to the big city as they wanted.

Electricity, water, natural gas, the bills came every month.  It turned out that money was needed for everything. Previously, Selim's father used to give money for their kitchen and his mother used to buy everything. From bread to drinking water...  Is it possible to cope with this now? Thus, the days were difficult and complicated. Then one day Zeynep decided to talk to Selim. Selim came from work. Zeynep had not cooked, she had been thinking and crying all day, her eyes were swollen from crying. Selim said, “Zeynep, what happened to you, what's wrong with you, did something happen to someone?”  Zeynep sobbed, not crying,

“Selim, let's split up, we can't do it.”  

Selim also fell into thoughts: “Don't worry, I've been thinking for a long time and I can't get out of it. Maybe it was wrong to get married.  Not everyone has to get married. We are not the first couples to break up. I guess we won't be the last either.”  

Zeynep thought that Selim would object and say that we would be fine. “But I love you.” she said in a low voice. Selim said, “It is not enough to love, I love you too, but there are some mistakes we have made. We don't really know.”

Because they really didn't know, like many couples, managing and running the marriage well had become an unmanageable situation for them.  Because; 

If a person has no labour in a process, there is no competence to carry out that process.

It is difficult to give up what one labours for in this life. He finds the strength to struggle not to lose it. Otherwise, it is very easy to give up and to destroy. One cannot feel sorry for the breakdown of the sand castle he did not build himself. If he carried those sands by himself, then he trembles over it.

Parents and elders are supportive up to a certain point, but after a certain point they should allow their children to live their own lives. They should be able to watch them build their own sand castles. Thus, they can have pleasure from those castles and be happy for their most precious children.

That was the point anyway, wasn't it? As long as our children are happy...

 Experiential Design Teaching is a knowledge community that produces strategies for designing our future based on past experiences.

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"There is only one thing in life that never can be discovered; The better one..."

Yahya Hamurcu